When a Child Hits: Emotional Development, Nonviolent Limits and Management in Childhood.

Did your child get upset because a toy was taken out of their hands and suddenly react with a slap?

Or did it happen at daycare/school: another child took what they wanted and their immediate reaction was to push or bite?

Faced with scenes like these, caregivers often feel distressed:

“Is my child becoming aggressive?”

In most cases, occasional episodes of hitting, biting, pushing or kicking are part of typical development in early childhood (especially between 1 and 4 years). At this stage, the child is still maturing the executive brain functions responsible for inhibitory control and managing frustration, and doesn't yet have a broad vocabulary to put feelings into words.

This doesn't mean ignoring the behavior. It's precisely in childhood that a child needs an adult's guidance to learn a core rule for living with others:

Feeling anger or frustration is legitimate; hurting yourself or others is not.

1. Why Do Young Children React Physically?

To an adult, it seems intuitive to say: “When you get angry, calmly explain what happened.” But for a 2- or 3-year-old, this process requires neurological and language skills that are still developing.

As the Brazilian Society of Pediatrics (SBP) and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) point out, physical behavior in early childhood stems from immature impulse control and difficulty delaying gratification.

The physical reaction (the slap or the push) usually comes up in situations of sensory overload or frustration, such as:

Losing hold of an object or the abrupt end of an enjoyable activity;

Extreme tiredness, irregular sleep or unmanaged hunger;

Overstimulating environments or routine transitions without advance warning.

So, rather than labeling the act, the caregiver should look into what came before the behavior. A child's behavior works as a primary form of communication.

2. Immediate Response: Firm and Safe Intervention

When a child hits, the adult's first step should be to ensure physical safety:

Stop the act immediately: Don't ignore physical aggression hoping it will go away on its own. Hold the child's hand or place your body in between with gentle firmness, without aggression.

State the limit in short sentences: At the peak of emotional dysregulation, a child can't process long speeches. Use direct statements:

“I won't let you hit.”

“Hitting hurts. Hands are for playing and for gentle touches.”

Stay emotionally neutral: Reacting with yelling or despair raises the child's stress level and feeds the cycle of dysregulation.

3. Teaching Alternative Responses and Emotional Literacy

Saying only “Don't hit!” makes clear what's not allowed, but leaves the child without tools to deal with the feeling that overwhelmed them. After stopping the aggression and restoring safety:

Name the emotion they felt (validation without condescension):

“You got really angry because it was your turn to play. I understand that you're upset.”

This step validates the feeling without legitimizing the harmful act: the pain or anger is acknowledged, while the limit on the behavior remains non-negotiable.

Offer an acceptable alternative:

Teach verbal or gestural responses: “When you don't like something, say firmly: ‘I don't want to,’ or call me to help.”

For younger children, channeling the energy into a harmless physical action (taking a deep breath, stomping their feet on the floor or squeezing a cushion) helps release the tension.

Positively reinforce cooperative behavior:

Acknowledge the moments when the child used words, negotiated or tolerated waiting: “You waited for your turn on the swing so patiently. Well done!” Positive reinforcement builds new patterns of safe behavior.

4. Positive Discipline and Brazilian Law: Don't Hit Back

Responding to a child's slap with spanking, pinching or physical punishment sends the contradictory message that adults have the right to use physical force to impose their will or vent their irritation.

In Brazil, Federal Law No. 13.010/2014 (the Menino Bernardo Law) amended the Statute of Children and Adolescents (ECA) to categorically establish the right of children and adolescents to be raised and cared for without the use of physical punishment or cruel or degrading treatment.

The pediatric literature robustly shows that physical punishment:

Increases aggression in the medium and long term;

Weakens the protective bond of trust between caregivers and child;

Teaches that physical violence is a legitimate way to resolve conflicts between people.

Consistent limits, predictable routines, temporary loss of access to the disputed toy and educational repair are effective, nonviolent disciplinary methods.

5. Avoid Labels That Set Identity in Stone

Expressions like “bad boy,” “she's aggressive” or “difficult child” fix a judgment about the character and identity of a person who is still developing.

Instead of: “You're mean and violent.”

Say: “What you did hurt your friend. At home and at school, we don't hurt people. How can we make this right?”

6. Repairing the Harm vs. a Forced Apology

Mechanically demanding that a young child say “sorry” in the heat of conflict usually produces only formal submission, without moral understanding of the act.

The focus should be on repairing the relationship and building empathy:

Show the effect of the behavior: “Look, Maria is crying because the bite hurt.”

Invite a concrete repairing action once you're both calm: “Shall we offer her a glass of water?”, “Do you want to help give the toy back calmly?”

7. When to Seek a Professional Health Assessment?

Although oppositional reactions and physical frustration are common in childhood, certain signs call for follow-up by the Primary Care health team (family doctor, pediatrician, psychologist, nurse or eMulti multiprofessional teams):

Disproportionate frequency and severity: The aggression happens daily, in multiple settings (home, school, playground) and with an intensity that causes recurring bodily injuries;

Self-harm: The child bites themselves or bangs their own head against walls or hard surfaces;

Functional impairment: Ongoing breakdown in socializing, isolation or imminent risk of suspension from school activities;

Co-occurring developmental delays: Suspected significant delay in acquiring spoken language, extreme behavioral rigidity, loss of eye contact or marked sensory hypersensitivity;

Severe family exhaustion: When parenting strategies bring no relief and cause ongoing distress within the family.

The health team will carry out comprehensive monitoring of the child's development, looking into everything from contextual and routine factors to neurodevelopmental conditions that require early intervention and interdisciplinary support.

Regulatory and Technical References

Brazil. Ministry of Health. Child Health Booklet: Passport to Citizenship (“Caderneta da Criança: Passaporte da Cidadania”). Brasília: Ministry of Health, 2023.

Brazil. Ministry of Health. Department of Health Care. Child health: growth and development (Primary Care Notebooks, No. 33). Brasília: Ministry of Health, 2012.

Brazil. Law No. 13.010 of June 26, 2014 (Menino Bernardo Law). Amends Law No. 8.069/1990 (ECA) to establish the right of children and adolescents to be raised without the use of physical punishment.

Brazilian Society of Pediatrics (SBP). Don't hit, educate: the importance of positive discipline in childhood (“Não bata, eduque”). Scientific Department of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics. Rio de Janeiro: SBP, 2021.

American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, v. 142, n. 6, e20183112, 2018.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Positive Parenting Tips for Healthy Child Development: Toddlers (1-3 years of age). Atlanta: CDC, 2023.